missing my babies

im missing my babies.

im missing my sons.

im missing all that could have been.

im missing all that should have been.

im sad.

im hurt.

im in pain.

my heart is heavy,

who would have ever thought that I would be dealing with the emotions of processing and mourning the loss of two sons all a while trying to parent twin boys?

who would have ever thought, almost 6 years later, two losses and parenting twins that it could hurt so much till this day.

missing my babies.

missing Connor.

missing Matthew.

advancements

making some lead way here when it comes to TTC and Hubs being on board or not.

last night we were talking about this and that and TTC came up... again...

this time, Hubs didnt change the topic or dismiss my questions and comments.

He said he wanted to have another child.

He said he dosent want to commit 100% until we see what our exact coverage is with our health insurance that starts on June 1st.  He said he wants to see what our options are. He said the only way we would be able to do  so is to also have my cousin available to watch the boys if we have to do IVF and when I get the TAC placed. He said he preferred to wait till end of summer before making a decision with ART due to the fact that I have an opportunity to make some money over the summer which will help with some of our debt.

He actually laid it out there for me to hear and know where he is mentally.

I brought up that May 31st was coming up. I asked if he thought of Connor and/or Matthew, he said yes. He said he knows the 6 year angelversary is coming up. He said he knows that its rough for me as well. He said he knows how I want more children. He said he is afraid of agreeing to partake in something that could possible cause me pain and heartache.

I listened. I did not comment unless asked a specific question.

I know he has been back and fourth on this topic for some time, but he brought it up. He spoke almost the whole time we were on this topic. I felt like he was speaking from his heart.

So I am willing to take what ever advancement we get in regards to this topic.

June 1st is only a few days away.

I know I will be feeling much better having health insurance.

I really think that we are on the road, to one day soon, actively TTC with Clo,mid, IUI or even IVF.

I know only time will tell, but.... its now a matter of coverage and out of pocket expenses and not weather or not Hubs is on board.

Today is a chill veg day. Being outside for most of yesterday , once the boys were fast asleep in bed we decided to have a mini-in-home-date. We spoke, we drank (me more than him), we sang, we laughed, I even danced at one point. It was refreshing.

Not too much this morning after drinking a while bottle of alcohol (have I mentioned that I dont drink often and when I do it dosent take much to get me flat out drunk?). We have an over all wonderful evening and even better night.  It felt great to "reconnect" with Hubs last night on many different levels ;)

I had originally made jam packed plans for this weekend and at the last minute Hubs told me to clear the schedule and we will just take the extended weekend as we go. Im glad he convinced me to do so. Not many times when the four of us are at home, hanging and vegging out.

So glad that Hubs is home tomorrow as well. We are going to put a Beef Tenderloin and Pork Loin on the grill, make some other fixins to go with it and call it another chill family home day.

why?!?!

why do i continue to do things for others who could care less about me.

why do i continue to help others who i dont ever foresee helping me/us out in a jam.

why do i continue to worry about others wellbeing when they can give a rats ass about me.

why do i continue to go out of my way to help others in need when they have never gone out of their way to extend a hand.

why do i continue to help my brother in law.

why do i go out of my way, take time away from my family, to ask favors of others to help my brother in law

why...

because my husband asked me to.

plain and simple. 

this is his brother.

this is the the person he grew up with is whole life.

this is the person who could give a rats ass, who rarely if ever goes out of his way to help our family, who basically wants nothing to do with his brother nor his family unless its convenient or beneficial to him.

some how some way i end up getting pulled in.

i dont like it.

i try to not get involved with anything at all costs.

but then... how do i tell my husband to fuck off when it comes to his brother.

i dont. i take it. i help out with just enough information or out side help as possible to allow my husband feel better that he was able to help his brother when he was/is in a jam.

i hate the fakeness in my voice when i have to speak to my brother in law to relay certain information.

i hate hearing my own voice in my head yelling to tell these people to just fuck off already.

but once again i cant say what i really want to say. i cant do what i really what to do. i cant express what i really want to express.

so...... after such a wonderful (and HOT) day i sit here trying to relax for the evening and get the boys ready for bed.... yet now with anger running through my blood.

im more pissed off at myself for 1) allowing myself to get upset, 2) allowing myself to be fake 3) for Hubs to put me in this position.

oh well... what can i do or say.. right???

i refuse to allow these people to take my thunder.

i refuse to allow these people to ruin a good mood that i am trying to maintain through out this extended weekend.

i know a lot has to do with the fact that May 31st is just around the corner...

May 31st 6 years ago we lost Connor.

I miss him so much. I love him so much.

personal assessment

I would up this morning thinking long and hard about personal responsibility.

I have allowed life to take over and have not focused on myself in a very long time.

I have not grown an inch since I was about 15 or 16 years old. I have been 5 feet 8 inches for half of my life.

I have always struggled with weight. Well, I wouldnt say always... I will as long as I can remember.

It started in my childhood. It started when a lot of stressful and some traumatic things happened to me when I was 6 years old. It got worse with puberty. It got even worse once TTC and not being able to conceive.  Then ART came along and especially IVF. Then pregnancy and bedrest. Then loss. Then IVF, pregnancy and bedrest again.......

It seems to go on and on and on.

I have flat out let myself go. 

I am 5'8" and currently 244 lbs.

This was my exact weight the day we delivered the Twins at 27 weeks. This is the weight I was the day I started my IVF protocol with Matthew.

This was the exact weight the day I left for vacation in March, just to return 12 days later and 11 pounds lighter.  

This is what I weigh today.

This is what I hope NOT to weight in a week, month, year from now.

I was on web.md. today and looked at my B.M.I.

My B.M.I according to them is 37.1 (I know with my RE you can not be over 40 for a BMI in order to go IVF). In order to be in the healthy area my B.M.I. needs to be anywhere between 18.5-24.9

My waist to height ratio is 0.62. The ration should be 0.5

My weight is 244 and it "should" be 122-164.

Seeing my numbers next to ideal medical numbers is just alarming. 

My first goal is to break 200. I have not done so in over 7 years.  At 17 yrs old, when I met my now husband I was 5'8" and 175 lbs. At 175 lbs I felt I was too skinny. I was very tiny (for me). I felt comfortable at about 180-190. 

My very first goal is to be down to 230. 14 lbs. I need to set a date, however I dont like looking at a calendar and feeling the pressure of doing something radical in order to  meet my goal.  If I do 1-2 lbs a week it sould take me 7-14 weeks. That seems like a LONG time away however I know with dedication I can make it in 7 weeks if not sooner. 

I know my body. I can lose lots of weight very quickly but then gain all of it back if not more.

I am trying to avoid the same pattern, lose 10 lbs gain 5-11. Lose 20 lbs gain 10-25. Its enough.

Wish me luck. 

Last night was "day 1" however... I truely feel today is. Today is the first time in a LONG time that I am being honest with myself about my weight. I know its more than just a number on the scale but for me, that number shows on this body.

I am going to try to focus my Thursdays to my weigh loss/ fit/ feel good in my skin journey. I really hope I have progress to share with you all next week.

taking control

its time I take back control.

I have lost control in many aspects in my life.

I stepped on the scale and was disappointed in the fact that I gained half the weight I lost while on vacation back in March.

I have been watching what I eat (for the most part) but I know its because I am not as active as I was on vacation.

Hubs and I decided last night that we would dedicate at least half an hour a day to cardio.

Of course when he got home he said he was not feeling it. I shocked myself by doing the 45 minute cardio DVD weather or not he was doing to participate or not.

I usually look for excuses and what not to get out of it.

I learned tonight while shaking, shimmying, jumping, kicking and all the other movements that my body has not felt in  a long time just how out of shape I am.

I know for a fact that if I want to ever do IVF again, I am going to have to lose weight. I am at the very top of the allowed BMI for IVF. I dont want it to get to the point of getting Hubs on board with IVF, going in just to find out that I am too heavy to start a cycle.

I want to be able to be as healthy as possible going into a pregnany if and when it ever happens.

I want to be able to be as healthy as possible for the Twins.

I want to be able to feel sexy again for my husband.

Most of all, I want to be able to feel good about myself. Be comfortable in my skin. To know that I can put some clothes on, walk out the door and not worry about my shirt shifting and having to adjust it all the time.

Its time to take control over something I have control over... my weight.

I am not sure if I am comfortable enough with sharing my beginning stats with others around me. Shit, Im not sure if I am comfortable enough with sharing my stats with anyone who reads my blog here. However, I decided that I am going to do all the measurements tomorrow and at least write them down. Keep progress and go from there. Even if I share just my weight, its a huge start for me. In taking control of my weight I need to be honest about it.

Here goes nothing.

boys best friend

our neighbor's dog, becca, passed away today. she has been showing signs of old age for a while, a couple nights ago showed signs that something wasnt right.  they took her to the vet today to find out that there has been a mass growing in her abdomen that has been not only making her sick but in pain as well.

MJ has grown fond of becca. He considers his brother, our dog, and becca his best friends. he loves taking her for a walk, which is really her dragging him around. He loves giving her hugs, patting her back gently and  following her around the neighborhood.

today hubs called and told me the news. i almost cried. when any family pet passes away its a different type of pain. it gets me thinking of the day our doggie passes away.  MJ is very attached to our doggie and becca. something about becca caught his eye. especially this year. when standing she comes to his chest. he allows her to smell and lick his chin and neck and asks her to please not lick his face since its yucky.

once hubs came home I decided it was time to tell him. i asked him if he knew that becca was getting old, he said "yes, you have to be very gentle". i told him that becca got very sick and had to go far away. that she was no longer longer living a few houses down. he immediately asked if she was sick because he was not gentle. BREAK MY HEART!!! I explained to him that he did everything right. He was gently. He was nice. He was a great friend. He played with her and made her very happy. There was nothing that he could have done differently. He did a great job. He then told me how sad he was. I told him that its ok to be sad and its ok to miss her.

Kids... kids say the darndest things. He ran to the window to look at the house that becca lived in.  He came running to me and stood between my legs as i sat in a chair. He looked at me and said "Its ok Mommy, I am only sad for a little bit, but I will miss becca for a long bit." He asked if her could ask the neighbor to take him to becca. I told him that she was very far a way and that she was sick so we cant go see her.

Im not sure if I explained it properly to him with using the any word involving death.

He asked if the doctors are going to make her feel better so she can come home. I told him that they tried but she was already too old and sick. once again BREAK MY HEART!

After a few minutes and sitting at the table for dinner he said "Mommy can I go next door? I want to make sure T and V (becca's mommy and daddy) are ok and not sad. Can I tell them dont be sad and its ok to miss becca because we all miss becca very much? Can i tell them they can come see J (our doggie) and be happy again?"

boys best friend. there is something about having to tell a 3, almost 4 yr old boy,  that one of his best friends will no longer be coming home.

Hoping that he next few days are not filled with questions to answers I will not have.

RIP becca... you made my son very happy and was a very good friend.

unsettled

Hubs and I had a conversation last night with my brother about who will care for and raise the Twins if something was to ever happen to us.

I was under the impression that his brother, P, would gather the boys since he lives about 20 minutes away, then wait for my Dad to come get them, he lives 4 hrs away, then my Dad would contact my brother  (who is currently making plans to move to Ca) and my cousin (who just moved to NM and looks like will relocate to Fl in the near future).

Hubs and I agreed that we want the boys to be raised by my Dad. However, with his age we made sure that my brother and cousin knew that if Dad was not able to care for them, then one of them would have to step in. They would decided among themselves who is better able to care for them.

This is a conversation that freaks me out. What freaks me out just as much is the life insurance policy money.

As of now, I should be able to get life insurance here in a few months. Hubs already has a policy active. Once my policy is in effect there is a lot of money between the two. I mean a lot.  We wanted to make sure that the house and all our debt would be paid for as well as plenty of money to help families adjust to caring for two or more (if we were to eve have any more children) children over night.

Last night I brought up the fact that I need to see if I can get life insurance very soon and that we need to change the terms of Hubs as well as make a will so that there is no questions as to our wishes.

This brought up something that pissed me off till no end as well as lose sleep last night.

Right now we have it set to where if something happened to both of us, my Dad and my BIL, P, would each get half the life insurance money. We did this in case it took time for everyone to get their affairs in order to take our children. Once the person who will be raising and caring for them gets the children then that person is to get all the life insurance money.

I asked Hubs if he felt his brother will do right and hand over the life insurance money if somethinghappened to us and we dont have a will written out.

Then the shocker of the evening....

Hubs "He might not have to give over the money since if your Dad cant care for the boys, I want them to be with my brother".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our boys do NOT know their uncle except his name.

Our boys do NOT know his wife or daughter except by name.

Our boys do NOT know anyone in that house!

Why would you want your children to live with someone they have NO clue who they are if something was to happen to their parents? What the fuck are you thinking???

These are the same people who do not like me. Who despise the ground I walk on and feel I am basically the devil and think I am a waste of air. They will dishonor me in every way possible. I personally feel they will live off of and waste the life insurance policy. Seriously???? Do I think they will harm my children? No. Do I think they will have opportunities in life? Yes. Do I think they will be raised with similar values as we have? Maybe. Do I think the people who will become their guardians honor our memory? Absolutely not.

We decided that the boy would be raised by my father, my cousin or brother. For the simple fact that they will raise the boys as we will. They will honor the memory of us. They will make sure the boys live a life filled with love and opportunities. They know them. They love them. They respect them.

I can not believe Hubs dropped on me last night that he is willing to let strangers (to the boys) raise them after such a horrific event as in losing both of their parents.

I told Hubs how angry I am that he even considered his brother raising them when his is not even in our lives now and they have such a touch and go relationship and then it is a go its not a healthy one.

I told Hubs how hurt I am that he is willing to allow his family, who he has nothing to do with anymore (for many years now) due to the way they treat us as a family unit.

I told him how sick I felt about his decision and I refuse to agree with it.

His response "I dont even know why we are talking about this!?! Im not going anywhere anytime soon. You are not going anywhere anytime soon. If and when we do the boys will be old enough to care for themselves."

Ok... um... no... I am not willing to leave it at that. This conversation is not over.

My brother asked if my BIL has a will. Hubs answered no. I answered yes. Hubs forgot that his brother called recently and said that he is making a will and wanted Hubs to know that if and when he passes its written in his will that Hubs gets his tools in his garage. TOOL!!!! And you want to give this man you children and more money that you will ever have in this life time??

I think not!

I am getting upset and crying even writing this now. Passing away and leaving two little boys behind is nothing something i want to think about. Its something that pains me just even hypothetically thinking. However, its a conversation that needs to be had and written in a will.